Self-Reliance, refined.

As far as I know, my mood normally depends on how others view me.
Recently, I feel a tat different.

I’ve come to realise that it’s not worth getting upset when peps disappoint you, because they don’t give a hoot that they are letting you down, and also it’s pointless to depend on others to make you happy.

I read this somewhere…

“Far saner for one to be self-sufficient first is to be the source of one’s own happiness.” How true.

Of cos, you should show empathy and concern towards those around you, and if you make others feel good, DUN STOP. Just remember Dun demand or expect for that to be repaid to you.

When I look back to myself in the past, even up to now, it seems like one endless period of seeking approval, striving to be nice and desiring to be loved and liked.

Sometimes, my effort is returned with friendships, and I would be flying high.

But when they weren’t, I will beat myself over it. Wat was it about me that they didnt like? Was I too kan chiong? was I too blunt, or too not understanding? Or was I too “fake” in my “niceness” that it’s suffocating them?

For too long my happiness and sense of worth are tied to things beyond my control – How I was regarded, whether I was being thought about, whether the phone will ring, whether I was consider worthy enough company for the weekend.

I needed approval, but my expectation of others is high as well.

Just because you want someone’s life to revolve yours doesnt mean that he wants that, too.

And even if he does, well, peps got their own lives too. I cant make another person fit my demands just so me – and only ME – can be happy.

Rather then behaving in this unreasonable way, isn’t it smarter to be more independent? To not have to depends on others for own happiness?

I have a hugh problem being alone – I can’t do things alone – watch a movie, go shopping, spend a whole weekend, to face me and my thoughts 24/7 – that’s awful.
I have been willing to contort myself to pleasing those company I wanted. I learn to be fake and unsincern, appearing all warm when it’s all because I dont wanna be alone.

How can I solve this dilemma? I must learn to respect myself more, to find ways to be at peace with my myself, and content with wat i have and who I am.

Finding a happy place within myself where I can retreat to.

I exprienced a moment of that recently.

In my SAF camp, I hove ample time to do my own stuff. Deciding that I need to do something, I blew off the dust from Adam’s guitar given to me 4 yrs ago, bought it to camp, and play it for the first time in my life.

I sat alone one evening, looking out at the sky through the window alone. Strumming and strumming, simulated by the idea of learning something I always wanted to play.

At that moment, I felt a sense of utter well being, of being completely alone.

My mind – normally on overdrive mode wondering and hoping that I was in some loved one’s thought – was a nice clean blank.

I knew then that I had the ability to be by myself and yet happy, that my own company wasnt half that bad.

I had found my happy place which doesnt requires anybody.

It felt good.

Rock on.

~ by eclecticderby on January 19, 2007.