Dejected

Really, damnit. I am badly affected by every single thing concerning her and I fucking can’t stand it anymore. Damnit.

I blew it away, when I started treating it serious rather than a game. Must it be a game? Must I like pretend this and that?

 I am like this needy little worm. I can’t be left alone.

Just a day left alone and doing nothing  and I am going crazy. I need people around me, I need attention, but nobody ever likes me as a great person, becos I aren’t one.

 I was never the popular guy, in class, or in GB, or in anywhere I have been. I either kick up a storm as the infamous shithole, or the average joe that no ones want to dwell further with.

 There are periods of sanity where I feel more normal and confident bout myself, but those are just facades I made up to hide my own inabilities to make friends, attract people, hold good conversations.

In other words, I am a self contained selfish piece of shit.

I shouldn’t have met her that day 3 months ago. It’s a grave mistake.

A person like me should never meet anyone.

Fuck, I THOUGHT i can sing but wat bullshit! It’s there all along, I am crap, I have zero music talent, and I still wanna make this huge singing hobby thing. I can’t sing for nuts. People were kind enough not to tell me.

Maybe they like seeing me sing, like the way I laughed at those bad singers on Idol auditions and stuffs. Maybe I was just a laughing stock all along. 

 Worst still, I actually thought tat people actually liked me. like wat the hell. I was there, that’s all. People dun hate me, but they never liked me that much as well. I was just there so they treat me like I am just there. Never closer. Just there.

I tried to be better. More funny. Less arguementaltive. More active. Or more happy. I can nvr be as happy as I pretend to be. Cos I am really down, for some time now, I have been feeling like shit.

This is my birthday month, but why am I only happy for a day? Is it just me? I have a mental problem?

People say that NS guys are desperate for girlfriends. I tell u wat -I may always say that I wan a gal blah blah desperate blah blah - then I realised one fact that makes me feel different. That my feeling isn’t really becos I am lonely in NS. or that I am desperate for any gal.

You see, I dun wan just any galfriend. I wan only her. Alone.

Rock on. 

~ by eclecticderby on December 19, 2007.